Seven Days
It all started in December when my Christmas Eve flight to India got cancelled due to the new “UK-born” COVID-19 strain”…
Monday 21st December 2020:
Mood: Bloody depressed, chocolate bars eaten to lift mood: 6
3.20pm
Life has ended. Indian Government decides to cancel all flights from UK to India.
Well I mean obviously to India. They wouldn’t cancel flights to Pakistan. Feel like heart has fallen into stomach. Knew something bad would happen.
Feel like am global pariah or illegal immigrant unable to return home to India. Will proceed to lift mood with chocolate…no will persevere with diet and eat avocado to soothe nerves, nourishing and delicious. Will be hopeful, will wait for Indian government to change rules.
7.45pm
Have cried enough tears to fill a bath-tub. Honestly do not believe a word of a new strain just happening to appear somewhere in South London. Feel like whole world hates UK. UK is the child in the nursery playground nobody wants to play with because he eats glue and farts. Yes that’s the perfect metaphor. UK is a fart right now.
7.52pm
On seventh KitKat bar. Have been experimenting by eating 1 bite of KitKat and 1 mouthful of chewda. Definitely an interesting combination. O heck may as well have more chewda. Diet not needed anymore. Will never be able to fly to India and meet ancient relatives. Will never see the sun. Feel melodramatic. Cannot have more chocolate, can already feel the calories puffing up in my neck.
8.11pm
RINGRING!! Phone goes off and is worried relatives asking if I am ok due to flight cancellation. I mean obviously I’m just fine. Eating weight in chocolate always means I am fine. In reality am crushed. Think will watch some pathetic reality TV show to feel good about myself and order McDonalds. Have worked off chocolate calories from crying and moving facial muscles so will be able to eat burger with no remorse. Good plan.
Tuesday 19th January 2021:
Number of covid swab test appointments: 1, weight: 69kg
9.15am
Crap. Am late for swab test. Have managed to book flight to India this week. SO happy. Knew Indian government would see sense. Am back to being international high-flying genius of skies. Swab test is total extortion though. One hundred bloody pounds…seriously considering starting my own swab test company and creating own test results. No shall avoid. Do not want Matt Hancock and his conservative band of lunatics arresting me. Crap where is driver’s licence.
9.32am
(Runs back into house)..AAI I FORGOT MY MASK THROW ME ONE.
11.41am
Off to good start. Have had swab test involving woman shoving small stick down throat and up nose. I normally don’t move that quick in a first meeting, at least this time swab test was less of a scare. Now can go home and pack back. Can try out jeans that have been saving for trip. They’re made of some leathery material. Makes me look like Angelina Jolie, slightly shorter plumper Angelina Jolie.
Thursday 22nd January 2021 (The night before my flight)
Weight: 70KG (!!!!!!!!), Bags packed: 0
7.32pm
HOW am I size of small baby elephant!!! Wanted to go to Indian looking like Madhuri Dixit in her prime. Not like Madhuri Dixit’s overweight cousin. Is it possible to lose weight in say..9 hours? Maybe if wear thinner clothes and cut nails should work. Am convinced that lack of haircut has made hair so thick that a few kg of weight must be hair.
Anyway, tis the personality that counts. Oh god. Am sounding like woke spiritual coach. Do not have time to worry about hair-weight as need to pack bags with clothes but mostly gifts for every Indian in the village.
11.45pm
Cannot sleep. Am worried about quarantine. What if get thrown in the wrong bus headed for jungle. What if hotel turns out to be dungeons? Or worse…with NO WIFI.
Friday 22nd January 2021
Number of hours sleep: 3.5, Number of coffees: 2, Number of bags packed: 2, Weight: the same
4.50am
Myth buster: is not possible to lose weight in 9 hours from changing clothes and cutting nails. Weigh the same but shall persevere, personality shall shine over my rolls. Bags packed. Have got little brother to load car before driving me to Heathrow. Is important to invest in younger siblings. Am doing him a favour by making him do heavy lifting. Good for the arms.
7.35am
Bags checked in. Ticket and forms all in order. Phew. So horrid the way security makes you take off shoes AND belt AND jewellery AND anything that is inconvenient to put back on. Security done and onwards to duty-free, the only place in world where is totally acceptable to spend small fortune on pointless cosmetics and overpriced perfume.
Shocked at how busy Terminal 5 is. Surprised at number of Indian families with hundreds of children. Sometimes wonder why Indians take so many children on flights to and from India. Always that one baby who cannot stop shrieking.
9.35am
Am in plane. Wish had never gone ahead with flight. Just heard cabin crew announcing that the “Indian Government demands that all passengers keep their masks and visors on at all times during the flight.” Obviously the Indian Government hates me. Wearing mask is uncomfortable enough, but now have to wear gigantic plastic shield on face too like some sort of ghostbuster or power ranger. How will Indian government know if passengers are wearing a visor or not? Unless Modi is hiding in overhead cabin how will anybody from the government actually know who is wearing a visor let alone what kind of boxers they are wearing?
Cannot breathe and am sitting in squished seat with mad hair and irritating lady sitting in front of me who keeps pushing seat back into my face. Will nap. Will sleep away the flight.
10.45am
Have just realised seat is next to toilet. Honestly sometimes do really hate human beings. The same man has been to the toilet five times in last 45 minutes and REFUSES to shut door. Currently feeling like massive poo is wafting around face. Stench from loo will not go away. I don’t know what these people are eating but it doesn’t smell legal. Will switch on tv and check BA movie selection.
3.30pm
Am on second round of “Little Women”. The only acceptable movie on flight. Keep wondering if am going to get anymore food. Brunch consisted of watery mashed potato and pieces of chicken swimming in some lumpy gravy thing. Took one bite of the rock hard “vanilla cake” dessert and feel like tooth is about to fall out. Convinced that British Airways cooks hate life and want to watch the world burn.
5.30pm
Snack: half a hummus sandwich. Somebody get me home.
5.34pm
“SHWEEEEHWEHHEEEEEEEE” – bathroom flush goes off again and uncle no.3 walks out with toilet tissue stuck to foot again allowing door to swing open and throw another poof of ugly smell into face. Can see now why visor is important.
Saturday 23rd January 2021
Hunger level: 100/10, Number of forms filled: 5, Number of hours standing in a queue going to nowhere: 1
1.45am (India time)
Touchdown India. Thankful to get off plane full of cranky passengers only to be greeted by airport staff looking at me like have already got covid. Feel like illegal alien departing spaceship for first time and have been standing in queue with bags but queue leading to nowhere.
1.52am
FINALLY get to end of queue only to be told to go to ANOTHER queue for a bus to take me to hotel. Bus driver looks totally fed up as do fellow passengers in the queue. Waiting for another few minutes before bus shows up.
Oh. My. God. Bus looks like cross between massive broken-down lorry and battle tank. Oh lord help me. Feel thankful that have booked hotel close to airport – Waterstones Hotel, so will not have to spend much time on this death trap. At least hope not. Suddenly hear policeman scream “VATERSTONE MA’AM, EY VVAAAARRTERSTONEBAII GET ON SEAT PLEASE MADAM” and I reluctantly take seat on the bus. Am petrified.
2.07am
Bus ride from hell. Seemed more like sitting on rollercoaster at Alton Towers rather than actual safe bus ride. Managed to bang head against window when bus driver drove right through a massive crater in road that looked like it was created by an intergalactic missile. Very happy to be out of there and into normal looking hotel.
2.13am
Feeling triumphant. Have made it to India without falling out of plane/passing out from having visor stuck to my head for 9 hours or forgetting passport. Am winning in life. Am perfect. Reception man proceeds to tell me about the rules, “cannot leave room for 7 days, will get complimentary meals, will have test on 6th night and be released provided I am negative.” Got shock of life when he said I had to hand in passport though.
Reluctantly handed over passport. Now feel like actual illegal immigrant. Not sure what he thinks I’m going to do. Try and escape?
2.30am
I enter my hotel room. BLISS. A room with no noise, nobody screeching VATERSTONE BAI in my face, no need to wear shitty mask or visor, no sign of dangerous exotic Indian insects, can do what I want for seven days. Honestly how bad can it be? Think will celebrate with a strong gin and tonic.
2.52am
Am onto third gin and tonic. Not sure what I’m supposed to be celebrating anymore. Think will calm the drinking. No need to go all Kabir Singh. Only in quarantine, not mental hospital.
Sunday 24th January 2021
Number of hours slept: 3
8.30am
Get woken up by housekeeping repeatedly ringing doorbell so they can hand me my two water bottles for the day. Am so disorientated from jet lag. No wait, just hung over. Can still taste gin in my mouth. Must pull self together. Cannot start off quarantine living like some homeless alcoholic not brushing teeth and living off gin and water.
1.32pm
Made a plan for exercise. Think will start with simple exercise: squats. Although boring, makes me feel like muscles in body are actually moving. Unable to actually run or jog up and down room in case break tiles and fall through into somebody else’s room.
1.55pm
Squats are not my strength. Will commit to walking 100 laps around bed instead. Will order lunch.
2.05pm
Actually rather impressed with delicious lunch of daal, rice and paneer. Lovely. Especially compared to complimentary breakfast which turned out to be watery scrambled eggs and the most hideous piece of rye toast. As if taken from the breakfast menu from Guantanamo bay.
8.05pm
Just re-watched most of Bridgerton on Netflix, think will follow up with documentary.
9.32pm
Unable to sleep from watching documentary on the serial killer Ted Bundy. Will order room service.
NO. STOP EATING. Ok will continue to watch Bridgerton to forget about Ted Bundy.
Monday 25th January 2021
11.32am
Oh god have massively overslept. Thank god now have work from laptop for the rest of the week to keep me occupied. Still feeling optimistic, already a WHOLE DAY GONE! Very excited to be released from quarantine prison. The end is near.
12.45pm
Have done walkies around bed but starting to feel somewhat like massive hamster walking around it’s cage. Surely must be a better way to do cardio? Walking is obviously just making me dizzy. Burpees cause self to feel like boobs are going to fling off chest any minute from the constant jumping and kicking legs back and forth. Think should just stick to squats and knee-up jogging on the spot.
7.30pm
Could get used to this lifestyle of eating daal and rice everyday for dinner. Similar to varan but less gloopy and unfortunately missing some thup. Has also been productive work day. Knew quarantine would be easy for me. Am mature and wonderfully patient person. Am able to deal with any number of quarantine days the government want to throw at me. Roll on Tuesday.
Tuesday 26th January 2021
Number of tantrums: 4, number of squats done: 274
12.55pm
Cannot believe that this is what life has come to. Woke up feeling ridiculously down. Have just realised it’s only bloody Tuesday. It’s only been just over TWO DAYS. I still have five days to go!!
Is this my life? Homeless. Soulless. Trapped in shoebox room like some sort of dead pet. Forgotten by world, fat and forgotten. Nobody to talk to but the furniture.
8.00pm
Have decided to increase level of melodrama and currently sitting in bubble bath with glass of wine wishing life were different. Feels like time is endless at this point. Can only imagine how old people in old age homes must feel.
8.45pm
Went for a walk. Well, went for a walk around the bed. Have decided to wipe away tears, and keep telling self that today is over. Can do this. Can continue for five more days….five whole days more…
Wednesday 27th January 2021
9.31am
Good MORNING WORLD. Have made decision. Have decided to end Tuesday’s saga of self pity. I will not be beaten by some fugly virus and a few days of quarantine. Shall stay strong and stay poised and calm for the rest of the time am here.
10.31am
Have realised that washing my hair and blow-drying it breathes life into me. Feel new sense of purpose. Feel like the light is there at the end of the tunnel.
9.45pm
If I have to eat another bowl of daal and rice again will throw myself out the window. Thought would be able to live with the set menu they give for each meal but feel like am unable to enjoy food. Daal is starting to taste like cardboard. Need something else for taste buds.
Thursday 27th January
Number of workouts: 1, number of chocolate brownies eaten: 2, weight: not entirely sure
10.20am
Cannot wait to get out of this hell hole. Feel bad actually. Hotel room is not bad. Although wonder what the world outside must be like. Will life every be the same once I leave my lair? Suddenly having nostalgic moment. Have gotten so close to my routine in the room of ordering rice and daal, followed by walking around my bed, the odd tantrum and ending with rice and daal. Will I be able to adjust to life outside these walls?
11.12am
Got emotional and had to calm self down. Have been feeling whirlwind of emotions in this room. Almost has become like a very stressful week-long therapy session for self. In a way the advantages have definitely been limited access to sweets (I am not counting the brownies as sweets), have also fallen back in love with cup-a-soups that I smuggled over in bag. Probably the only thing have eaten which doesn’t have any chillies hidden inside.
7.00pm
Have definitely lost weight. HURRAHHHH THANK THE GODS. The jeans that were digging into stomach are fitting like very comfortable glove now. Pretty sure that the constant random squats and walking circles around room has helped. Feel like Naomi Campbell. A short Naomi Campbell but a supermodel nonetheless. So the one good thing about quarantine is that it is almost like little detox. Although will not recommend as a weight loss tactic, feel like have lost braincells and sanity as well as blubber.
Friday 28th January
Number of swab tests: 1, number of celebratory burgers eaten: 1.5
2.30pm
Just had swab test taken by small woman dressed in some kind of astronaut suit. Finally feel like life is moving forward. Seems to be a common thing now having to have cotton wool buds shoved up nose. Think will unpack and repack bag to pass time.
5.42pm
How the f*ck has it only been 3 hours since have last written? Have spent last 30 minutes staring outside door’s peephole. For no reason. Just to see what floor outside room looks like. Am losing patience. For god’s sake. Need time to MOVE FASTER.
8.00pm
HURRAH IT’S DARK OUTSIDE. Have 4 hours left until legally allowed to leave room technically. Decided to reject the usual gloopy daal + rice combo for dinner in favour of massive burger…no sorry, two massive burgers. I deserve this.
8.14pm
Would have finished second burger if had not bitten into green chilli. Have come to conclusion that when in India, have to expect all foods including dessert to have chillies hidden inside somewhere. Should be illegal to do this. Am fed up of spice. Even ordering something like mashed potatoes here is NEVER just creamy mashed potatoes, always has EXTRA pepper or suspicious hint of ginger garlic, or just turns out to be sprinkled with red chilli powder or in other words, poison.
11.14pm
Bags PACKED. Will never ever take life for granted again. Will be nice to all humans for rest of life. Cannot wait to hug all living things. Every rock. Every tree. Cannot wait to feel wind in face and walk in straight line for more than 4 metres. Most of all, cannot wait to show world how fantastic my thighs look from all the quarantine squats. Have gone from wobbly bowl of jelly to supermodel with thighs like a Belgian blue bull. Will never eat sweets, will be perfect.
1.04am
Nearly shat myself when saw test result in email account already. Thought for split second the test result must have come quickly because my result is positive positive. Was sure band of police with tear gas would come and drag me to some other quarantine hell hole for human testing. But test is indeed NEGATIVE. Yes that’s NEGATIVE. Am free. Am in no mood for celebrating with more burgers, just want to pretend this whole thing was a bad dream and get out.
Saturday 29th January
11.45am
Bliss!!!!!!! Able to leave shoebox room and venture into outside world. Like new-born baby seeing the sun for first time. Will life ever be the same? Or has life changed as I know it?
12.45pm
Have been stamped with blue square on arm by angry looking security guard at hotel check out desk. Think he must be angry that I look happier than he does about a standard day. Had to consciously stop saying hello to every person I passed by. Felt like cleaners must think I have some kind of problem. The sun has never felt so good on my arms. Life is good. Life is quarantine FREE.
Will I ever do this again? ……….I’d rather eat British Airways’ food for the rest of my life.
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